Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain, Robin Williams, Kurt Cobain, Marilyn Monroe…

This post is in memory of those I and others have lost to suicide.

It breaks my heart that we’ve lost these souls and it really hit home with me. These are people who have impacted the world and made it a better place… and from the outside it was hard to even know that there was anything going on behind the scenes. I (along with many others I know), have also lost people close to them from suicide. It breaks my heart even further that I know there are so many people out there struggling with depression and other illnesses (I don’t like this word, but I don’t know a better one) who feel isolated, predominantly due to the social stigmas around depression, anxiety, addiction, etc. The reason I know this is because I’ve been depressed and struggled with anxiety, and it’s a really hard place to be. If you’ve been there or are there right now, you get it, and for those who are reading this and haven’t struggled with any of these emotions/situations, please read this post with compassion and without judgement because it takes a lot of courage for me to open up about this.  I’m writing this post to break down walls and be vulnerable to those around me because I am a firm believer that through openness, vulnerability, and compassion, that the world can be a better place and we will have deeper, more meaningful human connection.

I read all the time in books that people have their own demons, or their own battles that they are facing, but over the last 27 years of my life, I realized far and few people open up about what’s really going on.  As I write this post, it feels like I am scratching at a scar on my heart and I empathize so much with anyone going through anything right now or in his/her past. It hurts to write this, but I want to change the way my social circles and people around me in society think about these things.  With the onset of social media, it’s even harder to know what’s really going on in someone’s life. I run my Instagram and blog as passports and passions, and truly only post travel and fun pictures. Does that mean that what’s going on behind the screen is all happy and fun? Absolutely not. Actually, I think sometimes social media is one of the places that people hide what’s going on because it’s an easy outlet to make things look like they’re great on the outside, but only to cover up the struggles on the inside. I am guilty of it… and the reason why is because it takes a lot of courage to open up and share these things. There’s fear of judgement, shame, or isolation. It’s scary. There are stigmas or ideas that “people won’t want to be around me if I am like this” and that I would potentially become even more isolated by sharing my story (a risk I am finally willing to take). The worst part was that the anxiety and depression were out of my control. No one wants to be depressed. No one wants to experience anxiety.

My story began in the summer of 2015, when I first felt anxiety. My chest would get tight to the point where I could hardly breath, my eyes would start to tear and I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t really know what was going on or what anxiety was. I had never experienced it before in my life.  At the end of summer, I was depressed. I couldn’t focus and I had no motivation to do anything. No one knew. I lived at my parent’s house and even they didn’t know. I was tired all the time, I would cry on my way to work, on my lunch break, at work. I felt stuck. If you scroll back through my Instagram feed in the latter half of 2015 and what you see is pictures at football games, traveling, the beach, aka a fun and blessed life. I live an amazing life (then and now), but even those who live beautiful lives and are grateful for what they have can fall into these dark places and struggle (it’s just not as easy to see).

In September of 2015, I finally opened up to my parents about what was going on. My dad (who is a doctor), asked me why I didn’t tell him earlier… I told him “I was scared.” I remember being told by my parents that “everything would be ok” and “not to worry.” While those words seem like they would help someone who is struggling with depression/anxiety, they didn’t help me at all. While I never had suicidal thoughts, I definitely felt like I was trapped in this state, which made it so difficult. People would say “look at the bright side,” but I couldn’t see it. Nothing could make me feel better. There were no words that people could say that would help me. I felt hopeless and I knew I needed help.

I took to a multitude of places to try and get myself out of the state of depression and experiencing anxiety. I got a therapist, went to acupuncture, meditated, and read books. I didn’t want to take medications (I said I would as a last resort), and these were the outlets that worked for me. I got to the root of my anxiety and depression through therapy and learned how to acknowledge and understand my thoughts and emotions through meditation (P.S. I swear by meditation). I was determined to get back to my old self, love myself again and become the best version of myself for my job, my friends and my family.  I am forever grateful that after spending 100% of my time on myself and getting better, I began to come in to the light.

At the end of 2015, I finally started to feel myself again, but I was forever changed. Going through what I did, I wasn’t the same person. I came to learn that you never know what someone is going through. You have to watch your words wisely, because you never know what’s going on in someone’s life behind the scenes. I became a better person…more empathetic, compassionate, and I now truly appreciate the good times in my life more than ever. It’s deepened my relationships with people in my life. I realized that sometimes in order to see the light, you need to experience the darkness. I am stronger.  I am SO much more grateful than I have ever been in my life for every waking day. I have found pleasures in the small things in life that often times get passed over and I continue to strive to improve who I am as a human on this planet through my life experiences.

It wasn’t an easy road getting there. There were far and few people in my life at the time who knew what was going on. Even to this day, many people don’t know about this chapter in my life. I always tell people I am the queen of masking these things up, but I am trying to be more open, vulnerable and authentic. I never want other people to go through what I did (it was painful) and if people are struggling, I want to help them through their adversities in any way I can. 

I recall in the beginning of 2016, sharing with a girlfriend that I had just come out of a struggle with anxiety and depression, and her first words were “I had no idea.” When I shared my struggle with more people close to me, I generally got the same reply. These were the people closest to me, but they had no idea anything was going on. But other times, I got “me too”, or “I went through that a few years ago.”  It made me feel a sense of relief when I realized that I wasn’t alone. I was also surprised at how many others experience[d] anxiety and depression, and never talked about it until I opened up with them about my story. Now, I always try to be a safe haven for people to open up to, and that starts with me being open, not judging, listening, and being compassionate towards others.

I am grateful that to this day, I haven’t gone back to that dark place, but I actively am challenging myself in other ways given my experience.  In order for these social stigmas to break down and help prevent people from reaching the point of suicide, we need to judge less, and practice compassion towards ourselves and others and listen. We all have the power the break down the walls. There may not be signs, so you can’t wait for someone to speak up. Ask. Dig deeper than the surface level. Share your stories. Be vulnerable. Be courageous. Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you open up, you never know how you could change someone’s course.

For anyone hurting, please know that I am here for you at any point.  Please don’t ever hesitate to reach out. Otherwise, there is always the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline which can be reached at (800) 273-TALK (8255).